The Political Pendulum

Dear Red States . . .

Posted on: October 31, 2008

Dear Red States:

         If you manage to steal this election too, we’ve decided we’re
 leaving.  We intend to form our own country, and we’re taking the
 other Blue States with us. In case you aren’t aware, that includes
 California, Hawaii, Oregon, Washington, Minnesota, Wisconsin,
 Michigan, Illinois  and all the Northeast. We believe this split will
 be beneficial to the nation, and especially to the people of the new
 country of New California.

         To sum up briefly:

         You get Texas, Oklahoma and all the slave states.
         We get stem cell research and the best beaches.

         We get the Statue of Liberty.
         You get Dollywood.
         We get Intel and Microsoft.
         You get WorldCom.

         We get  Harvard.
         You get Ole’ Miss.

         We get 85% of America’s venture capital and entrepreneurs.
         You get Alabama.

         We get two-thirds of the tax revenue, you get to make the red
          states pay their fair share.

         Since our aggregate divorce rate is 22% lower than the 
         Christian Coalition’s, we get a bunch of happy families.
         You get a bunch of single moms.

 Please be aware that Nuevo California will be pro-choice and
 anti-war,  and we’re going to want all our citizens back from Iraq at
 once. If you need people to fight, ask your evangelicals. They have
 kids they’re apparently willing to send to their deaths for no
 purpose, and they don’t care if you don’t show pictures of their
 children’s caskets coming home. We do wish you success in Iraq , and
 hope that the WMDs turn up, but we’re not willing to spend our 
resources in Bush’s Quagmire.

 With the Blue States in hand, we will have firm control of 80%  of
 the country’s fresh water, more than 90% of the pineapple and lettuce,
 92% of the nation’s fresh fruit, 95% of America’s quality wines, 90%
 of all cheese, 90% of the high tech industry, 95% of the corn and
 soybeans (thanks Iowa!), most of the U.S. low-sulfur coal, all living
 redwoods, sequoias and condors, all the Ivy and Seven Sister schools 
plus Stanford, Cal Tech and MIT.

 With the Red States, on the other hand, you will have to cope 
with:
 88% of all obese Americans (and their projected health care costs),
 92% of all U.S. mosquitoes, nearly 100% of the tornadoes, 90% of the
 hurricanes, 99% of all Southern Baptists, virtually 100% of all
 televangelists, Rush Limbaugh, Bob Jones University, Clemson and the
 University of Georgia.

 We get Hollywood and Yosemite, thank you.

 Additionally, 38% of those in the Red states believe Jonah was
 actually swallowed by a whale, 62% believe life is sacred unless we’re
 discussing the war, the death penalty or gun laws, 44% say that
 evolution is only a theory, 53% believe that Saddam was involved in
 9/11 and 61% of you crazy bastards believe you are people with higher 
morals then we lefties.

 Finally, we’re taking the good pot, too. You can have that dirt weed
 they grow in Mexico

 Peace out,
 Blue States

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